How to Deal With Divorce Without Failing at Work - The Muse

How to Deal With Divorce Without Failing at Work - The MuseHow to Deal With Divorce Without Failing at Work By the end of this year, Ill be divorced. I didnt expect it, I didnt want it, and I sure welchesnt prepared to deal with it. As a business owner, I knew I needed to keep it together at work- but I really struggled. I couldnt eat or drink, nor could I focus on contacting clients or finishing projects. In the end, I missed about two months of work, and Im mucksmuschenstill trying to make up for it today.Divorce is hard, whether youre expecting it or not. And maintaining a high level of work performance through the long and often devastating process is even more difficult. But it doesnt have to be an uphill slog the entire time. There are steps you can take to help yourself get through a tough personal time without your professional life falling apart. This guide can help.Take a Few Days OffWhen youre first confronted with the reality of an impending divorce, whether it was you or your partner who initiated the split, the trauma can be difficult to handle. Erica EB Baumer, co-owner of Sage Career and Life Consultants, suggests immediately using some vacation days to refocus.This is a grieving process, Baumer says. If you have some vacation time, dont be afraid to strategically use it. I wouldnt take a month off. Just take a few days off here and there to get grounded.You need to get through the initial few days and come to terms with whats happening. Youll have the time to sit and ponder the thousand questions youll be asking yourself, without interference from calls or schmelzglass. Make those days all about you- feel all the emotions you need to feel, and then find ways to self-soothe. If you normally work out, try to get to the gym. Take short walks outside. Try yoga. Listen to music that makes you feel good. Try to avoid junk food. If you cant take any time off, try to work remotely. When you get back to the office, youll have that much more mental stabi lity to focus and stay at a high performance level. Divorces do tend to drag on, though, so keep an eye on yourself throughout the process- if you find youre suddenly struggling and unable to focus or think through your daily projects, it might be time to pop in a vacation day. Just keep track of how much time off you have left and be sure to save a day for your actual court date, as well. Theyre always during the week. Focus on Work, if You CanOnce the initial dust has settled, head back into the office and try to focus on (or distract yourself with) your work. For Jason Roe, an automation specialist who divorced when he was 29, that meant reaffirming that his job was his and his alone. I pushed myself to remember that she can take away the relationship, she can take things from our shared possessions, but what she cannot take from me is my career, Roe said. Your job may be the only thing you feel like you have full control over during a tumultuous time.Its a fine line, though divi ng into work can wear you out more than you already are from the divorce. Make sure to build in self-care (see below)- otherwise you could burn out and set yourself even further behind.Of course, some people just arent the throw-yourself-into-work type. In that situation, what eventually worked for me was trying to think of my job as a return to normalcy. Its a way to feel, at least temporarily, like nothing has changed. Remember that in your career, people are counting on you. Focusing on that might remind you that, even though youre probably feeling unwanted, youre still needed. Dan Blair, a family therapist and the owner of Blair Counseling and Mediation, suggests taking short breaks throughout the day as well. Try setting a routine, like working for 20 minutes then taking five to regroup. Use the break time to release any emotions you may be feeling, even if that means hiding in a bathroom stall for a few minutes. Then head back to your desk and get back to work.Talk to Your anf hrerBlair notes that its important to talk to your boss and perhaps a colleague about whats happened, so someone at the office is aware your performance may suffer a bit and can help you stay accountable. If your supervisor can be trusted, let him or her know, he says. It doesnt have to be a drawn-out conversation. First, Baumer says, make sure you do it in person- written things can be shared, and you wont want that. Then strip the situation of all the details. Its as simple as scheduling a quick meeting and telling your boss that youre going through a divorce. Let them know you may need some time off for court dates and meetings with lawyers, and come into the conversation with suggestions for how youll make up any work you miss on those days. You can also ask if they know of any resources you might be able to utilize, such as an Employee Assistance Program. Baumer notes that your boss can act as a touchpoint to make sure youre doing all right and to let you know if your work is s uffering. To avoid getting to that point, though, try scheduling a meeting every couple of weeks to check in. (You can use this email template to ask your boss for regular one-on-ones.)Practice Self-CareBaumer and Blair both caution that deep emotions like those involved in a divorce take a long time to work through, and youll continue to feel waves of pain for quite a while. In difficult moments at work, try going for a walk to get a change of scenery, or focusing on your breathing. You could even try keeping a positive quote or an item with a positive emotional connection on your desk. And although it may seem impossible to look past the day youre struggling to get through, its important to think about the long term. Baumer and Blair both suggest creating a regimen of self-care for yourself. Plan out your schedule a month in advance. For example, on Mondays and Wednesdays before work, youll go to the gym and exercise, and on Friday evenings, youll take a relaxing bath. Build in so me structure to incorporate things that make you feel good in some way, and try as hard as possible to stick to it. That rhythm will help you get back in the right mindset for work it becomes routine, and youll have a clearer head because youve been taking care of your mind and body.Make a Bigger ChangeYour divorce might even push you in a new direction professionally. Blair, for example, was blindsided by his divorce. But once he got past the initial shock, he doubled down on his counseling career and channeled his emotions into a new angle for his business- preventing and mediating divorces. The traumatic experience ultimately helped him focus on work in a new way and use his experience to help others.Emotionally trying times can have a huge impact on your life. But they dont need to drastically affect your work performance in the moment, or your career in the long run. And sometimes divorce can even have a lasting impact on your career in a good way- whether it leads to a better relationship with your boss, a promotion because you worked hard to distract yourself, or even a bigger change that helps you gain stability or pursue a new interest.